JKR Disclaimers
by aew1818
Summary: I don't know about anyone else, but I'm a little bored reading the same "J.K. Rowling owns the characters etc." This is the product of a sleepless night. It was better than counting sheep. I'm still working on my first two HP stories.
1. Chapter 1

JKR Disclaimers

I (Scowl) do not, you bunch of dunderheads, own any characters not even my own. (Sneer) I would certainly have been the DADA professor if I had ownership. J.K. Rowling (Obsidian Glare) gets every last knut, sickle, and galleon. Even the Great Harry Potter understands this basic fact of life.

Severus T. Snape  
>Bat Of The Dungeons<br>Potion Master Extraordinaire

Jus letting ye know. Me, my friends, and my interestin pets belong to that nice lady JK Rowling. Stop by for tea and rock cakes next time ye visit Hogwarts.

Hagrid  
>Groundskeeper &amp; Professor for Care of Magical Creatures<p>

Would you care for a lemon drop before we straighten this out? Please let me assure you that all characters, except for those not mentioned in the official Harry Potter books, come from the genius of Madam J.K. Rowling. Regardless of her decision to kill me in book six, I am a great admirer of her works. Are you quite certain you wouldn't like a lemon drop?

Albus Dumbledore  
>Headmaster<br>Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

I will get my body back. I will get my body back, I will get my body back. What? Were you summoned? NO I DON'T THINK SO. Cruci - All right! All right! Until I get my hands on a time turner, which will be the first thing I'll do once I have hands, J.K. Rowling owns all characters in the official Harry Potter series. Once I get a time turner, I WILL REWRITE HISTORY including that nonsense about a baby defeating me. Now out! GO!

Voldemort  
>Dark Lord, Homicidal Maniac, Wannabe Pure Blood, Narcissistic Cult Leader, World Class Sociopath, etc.<p>

I have thoroughly researched the problem, and I believe under both Wizard Laws/Statutes and Muggle Law/Statutes that Madam Rowling has full copyright ownership of all characters portrayed in the Official Harry Potter Book series. (Please note that there is an index cross-referencing characters and books on a supplementary parchment to this report.) Given her ownership, all remuneration for both Wizard and Muggle books should be remitted to her excluding any sales tax collected or shipping fees.

Percy Weasley  
>First Assistant to the Assistant of Mr. B. Crouch, of International Magical CooperationMinistry Of Magic<p>

Honestly, Ron! No, you will not be paid. All characters from the Official Harry Potter book series belong to Madam J.K. Rowling. No, you may not ask for Season Tickets for Chudley Cannons and cannot hint for them. All payments go to Madam Rowling. (Gritting Teeth) No, you will not receive gift certificates from Quality Quidditch Supplies nor can you suggest that the store give you one. If you ask about payment one more time, I am owling your mother and ask her to explain.

Hermione Granger  
>BFF Harry Potter<br>First Muggle Born Minister of Magic

RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY - You listen to me young man! I have received Hermiones owl. She is correct; neither wizard nor muggle book sales allow you to be paid for just being a character. You WILL STOP REPEATEDLY PESTERING her about this subject, or you WILL have a meeting with MY WOODEN SPOON in the Great Hall. Madam J.K. Rowling owns all characters from the Official Harry Potter Series and receives all the galleons. If you want some extra money, get a summer job instead of SLEEPING AWAY YOUR SUMMER.

Molly Weasley  
>Contents of Howler<p>

Dobby is so sorry. Dobby can't give money to poor fan fiction Masters and Mistresses, The evil but inspired Mistress J.K. Rowling owns all of us in the books about the Great Harry Potter. She-Who-Must-Be-Named forbids payment. Dobby will go now and punish himself. Dobby must decide between hitting his head against the wall or freezing his hands.

Dobby  
>Free Elf<br>Hero


	2. Chapter 2

Severus Snape, stop laughing this instant and help me! When those twins get back from the winter holidays, I am giving them detention with Filch until they graduate. Unless you wish to have two pink bat wings permanently attached, stop laughing. It's my wand paw mmm hand! No, I can't floo-call Molly not with sparkling whiskers sprouting out my face and my plaid right paw. What were you thinking, Madam Rowling, when you added those two characters to your books? Madam Rowling, if you wish to continue profiting from myself and the other characters, I demand that you put those twins on a leash.

Minerva McGonagall

_Transfiguration Professor_

_Deputy Headmistress_

No… no… you didn't startle me. My inner eye told me that you would come to me. Hmm you want to know something about ... Yes, yes, I see that all rights to characters belong to a Madam oh no no Master Rowling. I foresee that he will become quite wealthy and marry a trophy wife. Sadly, I see death for you from disease or an accident or old age. My inner eye is never wrong.

Sybil Trelawney

_Occasional Seer_

_Divination Professor_

YOU THERE! YES, YOU FILTHY MUGGLE HAVE INTERRUPTED MY ONE ON ONE TIME WITH MY LORD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO GET PRIVATE TIME WITH LORD VOLDEMORT IF YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A SORCERER'S STONE OR THE ELDER WAND ON YOU? I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH THAT DEMENTORS WOULD KISS YOU. So what that Rowling owns all rights to itty bitty Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Won't-Be-Living-Long. She will be singing (make that screaming in agony) a different tune when my lord takes over both our wizarding and your filthy muggle worlds. For now, CRUCIO!

Bellatrix Lestrange

_The Other Delusional Psychotic_

Mr. Potter, I will use a sticking spell if you don't stay in bed. I understand that you are upset because Madam Rowling owns all rights to our characters, but it doesn't mean you can stay out flying in freezing weather without your hat and gloves. Yes, I know it is the winter holidays, but you still need to drink your Koldz-No-More tonic. I don't care if Professor Snape doesn't like you and brewed it. If Minister Fudge had your symptoms, I would make him drink it too! I only wish Professor Snape could invent a common sense potion for you and your fellow act-now/think-later Gryffindor housemates.

Madam Poppy Pomfrey

_Healer_

Ms. Rowling who? Cupboard now! I don't want to hear about any freakish book. There is no such thing as MAGIC so I don't care who gets the royalties from supposed books about my freakish nephew. If that is how you are spending your time, there will be a bad end for you bunch of crazy drunks.

Petunia Dursley

_2nd Place Meanest Muggle_

_Aunt Who-Could-Not-Care-Less_

F: We suppose you know. That is

G: just to be perfectly clear. The ridiculously wealthy

F: and incredibly stingy Madam

G: J K Rowling owns all characters in the Harry

F: Potter books, but all impoverished writers can

G: get revenge for a mere sickle

F: plus two knuts. Weasley Wizarding Wheezes offers revenge for those

G: short in money but rich in imagination. The avenging

F: email targets only your intended victim and bypasses

G: any assistant (Unless your name is Percy Weasley), who might be assigned to open email, when

F: it creates a flashing dollar, EU, or pound symbol on all four cheeks which

G: can be seen through up to four layers of clothing. For

F: magical customers any color of your choice, but for Muggles

G: in flashing red only. Lasts

F: for 30 minutes and is also available in the

G: Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch formula for annoying

F: bosses and other egomaniacs.

Gred & Forge Weasley

_Pranksters Extraordinaire_


End file.
